I have been holding out – but unfortunately for you, I will continue to do so.
The truth is, I love writing, and I love writing about this stuff, but I am far too anxious to reveal who I am.
I think that kind of stems from my GAD and social anxiety…? I am too anxious to share something that is so personal, revealing, and easy to judge. Can you blame me?
One of my biggest and most disruptive fears is being judged, disliked, misunderstood. Writing a blog and being judged go hand in hand – but at least with this blog I can be anonymous. I can’t be hurt too badly that way.
Disliked? Probably some people will not get it, or will not identify with what I’m writing. But I assume most of those people will simply move on.
Being misunderstood… well that’s one I hope to actually turn around with this site. It’s one thing that, hopefully, I can actually do to help myself. And anyone else who suffers from anxiety and/or depression. If someone takes the time to read more than just a few pages of this blog, then perhaps he or she will gain some insight into this life.
I think that most of the evil in this world is caused by misunderstandings, assumptions, and selfishness. But I think the former two sort of intertwine with selfishness. You can’t truly be selfish, even if you want to be, if you truly understand someone else. Sympathy and empathy kick in. They’re hard to beat.
I feel misunderstood by my boss.
Today I am feeling upset because last week, he accepted my doctor’s note, but did not ask me a single question. Not about my wellbeing, my plan, my feelings. Nothing about what triggered things, or whether someone did or said something to me that set me off. He simply instructed them to cut off my paycheque and wait for me to fill him in with an update when I can.
The problem is that this is an incredibly nerve-racking task for me. To approach him? Oh dear God. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When you have anxiety, one of the single most impossible things to do is approach someone. I have trouble even approaching anyone to invite them out for a beer.
But in this situation… approach him and give him an update? Face him? Email him? When he didn’t even respond to my email with anything to suggest that he or the company were supportive in any way?
My experience with him is that when I bring up a problem or issue I’m having (which I can only do when I’ve amped myself up into a brave superhuman, fake-it-till-you-make-it style), he shoots me down. I offered to do more schooling to become a better asset – he gave me a vague answer. I approached him when a coworker was rude and dismissive to me, and he didn’t address it. I told him I have anxiety, and he did not accommodate it.
What can I expect now? Certainly, support and understanding are not expectations I have. I think he’s more focussed on the stress of my absence, the work that isn’t being done (I have no back-up, though I’ve asked for an assistant many times), the money he and his clients will lose. I worry that the bottom line is what drives his decision-making.
Maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I should accept it, if that’s the truth. But should I continue to work for that? When $ > People?
This has been keeping me up at night. This has been one of my main problems in deciding whether I should stick it out with this company, or simply move on.
I legitimately feel nauseated just thinking about it.